My aversion to blogging was one of the first manifestations of my poseurphobia that I attempted to address with this blog. The fact that this blog exists is ongoing proof that I’ve at least learned to deal with whatever issues I may have with blogging, and the fact that I now have another blog should indicate that I may even enjoy it. Oh, who am I kidding? In the early going, I was so keen to write posts that I had to set-up a schedule just so I wasn’t blogging every night.
In recent weeks, however, the fact that I’ve actually been doing stuff has prevented me from posting very regularly. This is a good thing — another big manifestation of my poseurphobia is my aversion to go out and try new things — but it kind of calls into question what role this blog now plays in my ongoing quest to overcome my poseurphobia. My concern is that the blogging schedule I’ve set up may be making demands of my time that prevent me from trying new things. I may have actually been using this as a crutch; talking about my poseurphobia (while much more productive than not talking about it) is much less productive than actually doing anything about it. I knew the blog itself was a baby step, and I’m starting to think it’s a step it’s time for me to move on from.
Don’t get me wrong — I still think sharing my progress is a great way to keep me motivated and honest about addressing my poseurphobia — I just think the rigorous schedule is getting in the way of actually doing anything besides blogging. It’s tough, because I’ve been more motivated to maintain my blog than anything, and I’d like to tap into that energy to get more done, but I’m starting to think I can’t really do more if I’m sticking to this schedule. I’m a little worried that this may be my tendency to abandon projects halfway through rearing its ugly head (in which case, maybe I should stick it out), but since there were no specific goals when I set out other than addressing my poseurphobia, I’m inclined to think it’s okay to change horses if I think the new one will take me further.
Part of this is coming about because of the experience I had at the SEAMUS conference. On the whole, I enjoyed myself quite a bit, but found myself somewhere between guilted and motivated to start composing more (it also helps that I got some good feedback on my recent post asking for help picking a project). Anyway, there really isn’t much time in my schedule for new (or rediscovered) hobbies, so I need to lose something.
Also on that trip, I was invited to join my old college funk band for a reunion gig of sorts. They’re getting paid enough to cover my travel costs, but the fact that they’re getting paid anything is almost reason enough for me to make the trip. It’ll be a blast, but I haven’t really played trumpet in almost two years. Sure, I’ve tooted on it a bit here and there, but a 2+ hour gig playing lead lines in funk tunes is going to require me to actually get in shape. Again, there isn’t a lot of time in my schedule for practicing, so I need to make it up somehow.
That trip also guilt/motivated me to get out and do more Boston stuff. It’s a great town for new music/culture in general, and I haven’t been taking advantage. Nothing makes me feel more boring than explaining that I don’t really have much of an opinion about Boston even though I’ve been living here for six months. This will have the effect of making me confront my poseurphobia about getting out and meeting people, while simultaneously keeping me from feeling like such a poseur when someone asks me about Boston. Once again, I need to make time for this activity.
Moreover, I’m getting my blog-itch scratched over at Retcon Punch, which is generally more fun to write for since it’s collaborative (not to mention new and exciting). I could frame it as having taken over more of my free time, but since it’s more fun and more social, I’m inclined to say that it’s the better investment of my time than spinning essays about how much my roommate bugs me. At any rate, I no longer need the blog for the fact that I like blogging, as I can continue to blog with or without maintaining this one.
The only thing holding me back, then, is the fact that I don’t want to be one of those bloggers with a neglected blog. It’s a really stupid reason, but I took a lot of pride in my regularly-scheduled posts. Taking that away will make me just another poseur with a shitty blog (though, come to think of it, maybe that’s what I’ve been all along). I guess it’s good, then, that my goal is to get over my fear of being thought of as a poseur. I am just another poseur with a shitty blog. It helped me address some of my own issues, and was maybe worth something to the people who read it. I liked doing it, but it’s time for me to abandon the schedule I’d been sticking to for so long.
I’m imagining I’ll mostly post progress reports moving forward, and who knows when the next one will be. I’ll encourage anyone interested in reading that next post to follow this blog so you’ll get an email alert whenever it happens. It’s weird that I’m kind of sad to let go, but I really need to if I want to get any of this other stuff done. Thanks to anyone that’s stuck with me through the first stage in this experiment; now let’s see what happens in the next.